%% %% cookies.txt %% Jörgen Grahn %% 1995 %% %% Another fortune cookie file, partly collected from the best of %% some wide-spread cookie files, plus a fair number collected by me. %% %% Featured personalities include: %% Adolf Hitler, Afrika Bambaata, Andy Partridge, Berthold Brecht, Billy %% Bragg, Captain Beefheart, Carolyn Scheppner, Dante, David Cronenberg, %% Dijkstra, Don Knuth, Eddie Meduza, Frank Herbert, Frederick Brooks Jr, %% Fritz Leiber, George Orwell, Holly Johnson, J D Salinger, Jeanette %% Winterson, John Cage, Joseph Conrad, Juha Valjakkala, Karl Marx, Laurie %% Anderson, Leonard Cohen, Ludwig Wittgenstein, Mark E Smith, Matt Johnson, %% Michael Moorcock, Molly Ringwald, Nivek Ogre, Olof Lagercrantz, %% P O Enquist, Ronald Reagan, Sarah Cracknell, Sid Vicious, Steve Meretzky, %% Terence McKenna, Thomas Tidholm, Tore Berger, Ulf Lundell, %% William S Burroughs, William Shatner %% and many others. %% %% Subjects of the cookies include socialism, Star Trek, anti-american %% activities, necrophilia, Melrose Place, pedophilia, cannibalism, %% coprophilia, Beavis & Butt-head, Bananarama, nazism, torture, %% hallucinogenic drugs, programming, schizofrenia and the imminent %% coming of Antichrist. %% %% If you're not comfortable reading about these things, this %% cookie collection may not be for you. %% %% %% Swedish cookies - ignore them or delete them if you don't know %% that language (poor bastard). %% %% %% Gud, Djävulen och jultomten - det är pappa det! Herbert Tingsten %% Att se ner på folk som bor i radhus, bara för att dom varken har råd med en bostadsrätt på Östermalm eller villa i mexitegel vid någon liten insjö, det tycker jag är en oerhörd snobbism. (---) Men hellre bor jag i radhus än instängd i nån hyreslägenhet med bara en liten _balkong_! Karin Mannheimer i Stormvarning, Sveriges Radio P3 1995-05-18 %% du kan kalla mig fikus, feg och unken jämföra min syster med heffaklumpen kalla mej sucker det gör det samma men inte ett ord om min mamma Just D %% Vill man inte anpassa sig, får man passa sig - shit! Hårmoussereklam med Niclas Wahlgren i Nya Okej, någon gång kring 1985 %% "Det ser ut som om kvinnor har överanpassat sig till männens villkor i arbetslivet." Kvinnlig psykologiprofessor tolkar en undersökning som visar att kvinnliga chefer beter sig som feministerna tror att manliga chefer beter sig, och vice versa (TT 1995-05-09) %% jag ser dagen komma dom svaga får kraft världen står klar och frisk igen och det var jävligt längesen Kjell Höglund %% det är tungt att gå och tungt att tänka det är tungt att bära och att vakna varje morgon har en bitter bismak Kjell Höglund: Politikens olycksbarn %% men innerst inne vet vi att vi luras att någonting har desarmerat oss att vi åker snålskjuts på dom andra som avbrutet reser sig och slåss Kjell Höglund: Politikens olycksbarn %% Gör uppror mot överheten, ty överheten har fel; det finns bara ett sätt att röra sig framåt och det är att röra sig framåt tillsammans. Kjell Höglund %% Den här låten handlar inte om älgjakten, utan om jakt på _riktiga_ människor... Lars Aldman (Bommen: F242: Headhunter) %% %% 1995-05-03 PRO-MAX -- potensmedlet för män En helt ofarlig natusprodukt som ger en långvarig och kraftig erektion och även förhindrar för tidig utlösning. 1 förpackning räcker ca 1 månad reklam i Femmans text-TV %% "Du bereder mig ett bord i mina ovänners åsyn" %% Yage kan vara den slutgiltiga fixen. Bill Burroughs %% Jag satt där och väntade på att det skulle ge något resultat och fick nästan omedelbart en impuls att säga: "Det där var inte nog. Jag behöver mer." Jag har lagt märke till den här oförklarliga impulsen vid de två tillfällen när jag fick en överdos av junk. Båda gångerna innan sprutan började verka sa jag: "Det här var inte nog. Jag behöver mer." Bill Burroughs: Yagebreven %% Folkvandringar, otroliga färder genom öknar och djungler och berg (stagnation och död i slutna bergsdalar där växter spirar upp ur Klippan och väldiga kräftdjur kläcks inuti och knäcker kroppens skal), över Stilla Havet i en utriggarkanot till Påskön. Den Sammansatta Staden där alla mänskliga möjligheter ligger utbredda i en väldig tyst marknad. Bill Burroughs: Yagebreven %% Det fanns en pojke i staden som en gång hade fungerat som vägvisare åt en amerikansk biolog. Den här pojken var ortens Mister-specialist. Man hittar en representant för det här plågoriset vart man än kommer i Sydamerika. De kan säga: "Hello Joe" eller "OK" eller "Fucky-fucky". Många av dem vägrar att tala spanska och inskränker på så vis konversationen till teckenspråk. Bill Burroughs: Yagebreven %% Pojken kom och satte sig hos mig och började tala om Mistern som samlade in djur: "Han samlade spindlar och skorpioner och ormar." Jag halvsov, lullad till sömns av den här litanian, när jag hörde: "Och han skulle ta mig med sig hem till Staterna", och vaknade. Å gode Gud, tänkte jag, så han tänker köra med den gamla grejen. Bill Burroughs: Yagebreven %% Det kommer en dag när ni alla också blir lika ensamma och olyckliga. Olle Ångest (serie av Gunnar Lundkvist) %% %% Här började de svenskspråkiga "cookiesarna" från början, %% innan jag började lägga på dem baklänges %% - Kommer du ihåg när vi var på lägret, Karl, och vi smet för att köpa en glass med marshmallows? - Jag heter inte Karl...jag är bara en hund. - Jag har tänkt på den tiden så ofta... Ibland gör mig livet så förvirrad... - Du är mer förvirrad än du tror sötnos... Snobben %% vad önskar du dig för nånting i julklapp? en färgglad plastnapp? en praktisk haklapp? några russin och en ö socker på din gröt? Stockholm Norra: Vad önskar du dig för nånting i julklapp? %% lika lite som man väljer sin frihet lika lite väljer man bort den makt krossas bara med övermakt och en frihet som håller måttet kan bara skapas om makten vilar i massornas händer och frihetens villkor dikteras av proletärer i alla länder Blå Tåget: Makten och friheten %% om makten är en garanti för den heliga äganderätten är det några som delar vinsterna medan andra får dela på svetten Blå Tåget: Makten och friheten %% många historieböcker fördömer revolutionens terror och räknar med stigande fasa antalet galgar och bödelskärror men hur mäter man slavarbete och svett? den terror som är konstant endast den oförutsedda döden är tillräckligt intressant Blå Tåget: Makten och friheten %% %% Vår fågelvärld %% Vingen känns påklistrad. %% Blekingarna - ett från havet uppkrypande, svartmuskigt och flatbottnat släkte, som skjuter allt utom kråkor och skator, för dom kan dom sura och snikna blekingarna inte äta. Bengt Berg %% Man kunde tro att estetik är en vetenskap som berättar för oss vad som är vackert - för löjligt att ens kommentera. Jag antar att detta borde inbegripa även vilket slags kaffe som smakar bra. Ludwig Wittgenstein: Föreläsningar om estetik %% Antikommunismen var sedan länge en storindustri, en militärt organiserad religion med obegränsade fonder och med en omättlig hunger efter nyheter om övervåld och robotisering i de östliga nationerna. När nu på 60-talet ett kritiskt ljus började riktas åt andra håll än mot kommunismen, greps de kalla krigarna av ångest. Olof Lagercrantz: Ett år på 60-talet %% Gullvivor och backsippor som jag som liten gosse sett på Trebenabacken och konvaljer och smultron som jag plockade på Kalvakullen tycks mig vara av ett annat slag än de växter med samma namn som jag ser på andra platser. Jag misstänker de senare för att vara av plast. Jag har en gång sett urgullvivan och den växer i Västergötland. Olof Lagercrantz: Ett år på 60-talet %% Inom våra demokratier har vi ett antal diktaturer eller kanske är oligarkier en riktigare benämning, vilka sägs vara de egentliga skaparna av vårt välstånd och framstegets garanter. Olof Lagercrantz: Ett år på 60-talet %% Världen är rutten det mesta måste man ta ställning emot Tore Berger %% Min far dog av ett kulhål han var en detektiv. Skottstrider och slagsmål av sånt bestod mitt liv. Men sprängdeg, krut och whisky det struntar jag nu i jag lägger folk på soffan min det är psykiatri! Privatdetektiven Kant %% Men om det fortfarande finns människor som lever där nere i vraket, är inte det då en anledning att börja bärgningen så snart som möjligt? Kvinnlig programledare i Sveriges Radio P1, morgonen efter Estonia-katastrofen %% Jimmy... sprängdeg... du kan vara fri på några sekunder. Privatdetektiven Kant %% På stora färgaffischer över hela landet visas vackra, leende landskap med sol och fina bondgårdar och texten SVERIGES BÖNDER ÄR FÖR EU. På den ena varianten står det att det är för miljöns skull, på den andra att det är för landsbygdens. Vi saknar en tredje, mer realistisk modell: Svensk landsbygd i regn med förtvinade granar, mack, gatukök och fuktfläckiga bondgårdar i eternit eller mexitegel med skrotbilar och gamla jordbruksmaskiner spridda på tomterna och lortiga badkar på halvt igenväxta åkrar. SVERIGES BÖNDER ÄR FÖR EU, skulle det stå. FÖR BIDRAGENS SKULL. Aftonbladets kultursida, oktober 1994 %% en helt vanlig dag drömde jag och drömmen var sann boy-boy wallenberg har lämnat in telefonen ringde den ringde en dag man sa som det var ingenting mer blev sagt hans spår leder bort genom djupa skogar men minnet av honom förstulet blickar det ner på oss Mats G Bengtsson/Gunder Hägg: ingenting mera blev sagt %% Proletärer i alla länder - förena er! %% Alla bankdirektörer, köpmän, kort sagt alla inkallade sakkunniga lyckönskade varandra till de blomstrande och sunda affärerna precis en månad innan krisen i augusti 1857 utbröt. Handeln är alltid kärnsund och affärsverksamheten fortgår på bästa sätt tills sammanbrottet på en gång är ett faktum. Karl Marx: Kapitalet (citerat i Aftonbladet under finanskrisen 1988-01-07) %% Jesus dog på korset, kan du vara säker på det, om han nu är död - varför dyrkar dom honom, det är ju enkelt att dyrka något som inte finns till, fittans..., fitta för tro, den är oren, vi är gudar, du läser den heliga bibeln, den är ju rena sagan om ett 2 000 år gammalt lik Juha Valjakkala: 'Vi är gudar' %% Jag vill bruka knark, jag vill bruka lögner, jag vill bruka våld, jag vill vara utan känslor, jag vill begränsa livet, jag vill förgöra föräldrarna, skapa fram nya ljus i stället, utan rädsla, jag vill se sorg, jag vill dö ung, jag vill vara fullkomlig, jag vill vara gemen, jag vill gå in i armén, jag vill vara en hjälte, jag vill vara en soldat, jag vill döda människor Juha Valjakkala: 'Makt IV' %% arbetet är en mardröm ur vilken man inte kan vakna Juha Valjakkala %% krackelerade tjej... Bruno K Öijer %% finns det änglar? kan dom komma? har dom klänning? ser man bena? Thomas Tidholm: Änglar %% ...och då ringde jag min gode vän Erik Rosenberg i Örebro och han sa "Har du fotograferat den?" "Ja, det har jag", sa jag. "Skicka då kortet till mej så ska jag skicka det till Amerika", för det är ju där --- för beckasinsnäppan är ju en amerikansk vadare. %% Då ska jag berätta för dej vad han sa för det kan vara roligt för dej att veta: om näbben är 3,5 ggr avståndet från ögat till näbbroten så är det en långnäbbad annars är det bara 2,5 så --- %% ...det var den andra i Sverige men den första för mej. %% ...och det står där i Vår Fågelvärld: "långnäbbad beckasinsnäppa Erik Nilsson" %% och då sa jag: det där är ingen kortnäbbad beckasinsnäppa för den hade ju så långt näbb %% nä den har ju nästan svart (om törnskatans stjärt) %% vi var på väg norrut på ön, Tord von Essen och jag och då fick vi se fyra skådare som stod och tittade på en isabellatörnskata %% - Det finns ju ingen annan med röd stjärt. - Nä det är ju bara den här brun törnskata då. - Ja, jo den känner jag till men den som var här, menar jag, och det var ju en isabellatörnskata, Lanius isabellinus. %% Den där Jan von Brömssen ger jag inte heller mycket för när han inte kunde godkänna den där fjällugglan. %% (om fjälluggla) Jag har ju sett 10--20 i fjällen --- och jag såg ju också den där som var i Mönarp en vecka %% Ja, mikrofonerna verkar inte fungera så bra på TT, åtminstone inte på den manliga sidan --- %% Socialist-slyngel! Carl Bildt %% Nu ska du inte säja till mej som din mamma sa till dej för 15 - 20 år sen! %% Och om du tar bort dom längst ned i pyramiden, till exempel de med Downs Syndrom, kommer det att finnas några andra som hamnar längst ner. Kanske dom feta. Galning i 'Det gäller livet', P1 %% När jag var en liten flicka ville jag vara söt och snäll och min styvfar kallade mig blond ängel när han förgrep sig på mig. (---) En dag stod jag plötsligt där böjd över handfatet med kökssaxen och klippte loss lock för lock, färgade stubben röd och slängde sminket i sopnedkastet. Målade tavlor, flammande av energi, som männen avskyr och blev fri. (---) Sign. "Svanen" på Aftonbladet Kvinna:s insändarsida 7 december 1994 %% Dom här små gubbarna är förbannat levande. %% Tur och retur till dårhuset, tur och retur, tur och retur, varför löser i inte enkel biljett, vad springer i för? Luffarpiger och lasarettspiger... %% Folkilsken käring stånga tjurn i Börstig i natt. Så jävligt har det blivit. %% Redan innan det var aktuellt att avbryta uranbrytningen i Ranstad hade man beslutat om att höja Hornborgasjön med 180 cm. Motivet var att sjön skulle bli en verklig fågelsjö dit en mängd fågelarter skulle söka sig, bland annat dykänder. Så vitt jag vet är dykänder en kustfågel. Ingvar Andersson Pälsdjursuppfödare %% VÄXER DITT VATTEN IGEN ? Det finns en bra lösning på det också GRÄSKARP Aneboda Aqua Service AB Box 118, 360 30 Lammhult %% Nu luktar det BULLE i vattnet igen! %% Vi tror att du hittat en plats för tjäderspel. Den finns men det får vara en hemlighet. Men den som vistas mycket ute i skog och mark hittar nog dit. Vill du höra riktigt, bör du även här skaffa dig ett gömsle. Gör så här samla ihop några grangrenar och ta en gammal filt. "I Vårbrytningen" (Falköpings Tidning 1991-03-21) %% Det påstås att då jägaren går med sin hund genom skogen ser och hör han inte så mycket, som då han sitter på passet. Så påstås det. "I Vårbrytningen" (Falköpings Tidning 1991-03-21) %% Nu för tiden äter inte folk det som växer på jorden. De äter aprikoser! %% Yoga - som ju egentligen är en kukrunkarsport - men det vågar dom aldrig skriva... Eddie Meduza %% -Det är väl ingen hemlighet att du knullar med kor? -Nä, men Ljungbacken får inte veta att jag knullar med Rosa, för då blir han svartsjuker. Eddie Meduza %% Naturligtvis hade SkOF kunnat välja att helt ignorera storkens återinförande till föreningens verksamhetsområde. Det hade betytt ytterligare några steg på den väg då faunan manipuleras genom en diffus småföretagsamhet i viltuppfödning/-utsläppning. PR-sinnade turistintendenter, profitsugna fågelfarmare, mångsysslande jägare, välvilliga amatörer står i kö för att få göra en insats på det här området. Jan Danielsson; Vår Fågelvärld 1986:1 %% August Strindberg visar i sin bok 'Tjänstekvinnans son' hur det kan gå om man har någon dogm. David Floryd %% Öh, hur mycket sånt där är det i det här? David Floryd %% David, går inte din buss nu? Anders Sjöstedt, till David Floryd %% - David, skulle du vilja följa med mej in på mitt rum lite? - Nej, det vill jag inte. - Jaha, men du måste följa med i alla fall. Kurator Birgitta Nötesjö till David Floryd %% Nu ska vi tala om problemet David Floryd. Ingrid Jannert %% Nej, jag vill inte tala med dej för du är ju _bibelsprängd_. Sören Gustavsson till Maria Runesson %% - ...men henne har vi ju ingen kontroll över. - Har vi kontroll över _någon_? %% Det var judarna som dödade Jesus. %% Tjejer i klimakteriet. Radio Ellen: reportage om Femidomen %% Ät mjölkasopper med, din långnäbba! Folkskröna #285 %% Kjell skrattade inte. Han var deppig. Den ene efter den andre försökte trösta honom med förslag om t.ex. videofilm, fotboll eller köp av dator. Det är framtiden! Men inget nappade han på. Då kom Angela Johansson in och sken som en sol. Hon hade ett stort rött hjärta som hängde om halsen, där det stod JESUS. Det provade Kjell och då blev han glad! Artikel i Falköpings Tidning, december 1992 %% ...dessa är inte för att jag ska se ut som en jävla mafioso utan äkta slipade; jag är en GLASÖGONORM! Eddie Meduza, Folkets Park, Falköping %% Jag har själv bott i Falköping en gång i tiden, på Wetterlinsgatan. Eddie Meduza, Folkets Park, Falköping %% Hej, era jävla Falköpingsbönnnnnerrrrrrr! Eddie Meduza, Folkets Park, Falköping %% Om jag ser lite trött ut beror det på att jag runkat 3 gånger idag. Eddie Meduza, Folkets Park, Falköping %% ...ambras. Och det är en ande som kommer ner via en person som heter Sture Johansson. New-Age-mässa i Stockholm %% ...orkar fan inte läsa norska och danska och skitihelvete Torbjörn Gustafson, om en norsk enkät om sångsvan och mellanskarv %% ...vi sätter ett djävla kors för den djäveln Torbjörn Gustafson om Erik Nilsson %% men den där lärkfalken som Erik Nilsson hade 15 mars skriver jag _inte_ in POB om en Erik Nilsson-obs %% Då uppställde sig visserligen frågan: kan man överhuvudtaget utrota andliga idéer med svärdet? Kan man bekämpa ''världsåskådningar'' med brutalt våld? (---) Föreställningar och idéer liksom rörelser med en bestämd andlig grundval, den må vara falsk eller sann, kan under en viss period av sin utveckling brytas ner genom maktmedel av teknisk art, nämligen i de fall då bärarna av dessa vapen själva samtidigt representerar en tändande tanke, en idé eller en världsåskådning. Användningen av våld ensamt, dvs. utan en andlig grundföreställning som drivkraft eller förutsättning, kan aldrig förinta en idé eller hindra dess utbredning, om man inte noga ser till att varenda bärare av idén och vartenda dokument som rör densamma bringas ur världen. Detta betyder att en del av statskroppen för lång tid framåt, kanske för alltid, hindras från att få tillträde till kretsar av maktpolitisk betydelse. Adolf Hitler ställer i "Mein Kampf" upp riktlinjerna för bränn- märkningen av östtyska intellektuella i det nutida Stor-tyskland. %% Människor har ett sätt att ta för givet, att allt arbete utförs för ett gott ändamål. De ser någon uträtta ett obehagligt arbete, och de tror att de har löst problemet genom att säga, att det arbetet är nödvändigt. Kolbrytning, till exempel, är ett hårt arbete, men det är nödvändigt -- vi måste ha kol. Att arbeta i kloakerna är otrevligt, men någon måste arbeta i kloakerna. Och likadant är den med en plongeurs arbete. En del människor måste äta på restauranger, och därför måste andra människor diska åttio timmar i veckan. George Orwell: Down and out in Paris and London %% Då inställer sig frågan varför tiggare är föraktade -- för de är föraktade, världen runt. Jag tror att det är så av den enkla anledningen att de inte lyckas förtjäna ett hyggligt levebröd. I praktiken bryr sig ingen om ifall ett arbete är nyttigt eller onyttigt, produktivt eller parasitiskt; det enda som krävs är att det ska vara lönsamt. George Orwell: Down and out in Paris and London %% I allt det nutida talet om energi, effektivitet, samhällsnytta och en massa annat, vad åsyftas egentligen utom detta: ''Tjäna pengar, tjäna dem lagligt och tjäna mängder''? Pengar har blivit det stora kriteriet på dygd. George Orwell: Down and out in Paris and London %% Jesus var en kille med en häftig bil han körde sin Cheva många tusen mil en dag sa det slurp det var soppan som tog slut Jesus var tvungen att stiga ut Dom Dummaste %% Va fan var det för automateld i Naglarp? Zetterström, djurhandlare i Kinnarp %% Färre men bättre. %% Säg åt dom att hissa flaggorna. ALLA flaggorna! Beckander %% Douglas Adams - "Liftarens guide till galaxen". Det hade jag inte läst annars. << Boken fångade mig bara bitvis. Det är svårt att minnas vad den tekniska utvecklingen var då, 1979. Men det verkar vara en ganska lyckad fantasigissning om framtiden. Jag kommer inte att lägga ner någon möda på att läsa fortsättningen.>> [skratt] Men _Inger Alfvén_ fångade mig verkligen... Bibliotekariekärring läser alla böcker och börjar på A. (Sveriges Radio P1 14/3 1995) %% Där han stod i Humlegården med facklorna flammande där framme tyckte han sig plötsligt vara omgiven av ett fientligt samhälle, styrt av människor med makt och pengar, tyckte sig omgiven av människor som okritiskt läste tidningarna och mekaniskt reagerade med vrede, ursinne, glädje, förtjusning, sorg, förakt, likgiltighet, allt beroende på vilken knapp de där up- pe hade tryckt på. "Dom som stod där hade fan inte satt sig in i vad det rörde sig om, dom svalde allt vad borgarpressen skrev." Han hade mycket tydligt känt lockelsen och glädjen i att ropa ja och vara med dem, upprördhetens förförelse, men han motsatte sig den, inte på grund av en annan insikt eller av tillgång till andra fakta, men av princip. Han hade sett på dem där de stod, deras kläder, deras händer, och han hade känt ett avstånd som gjorde honom ursinnig och oemottaglig för medkänslans upprördhet. "Hela jävla Östermalm hade gått dit, och där stod jag." Per Olov Enquist: Legionärerna %% "JA är roligare" %% Man behöver inte vara bög för att gilla vin, men det är nödvändigt för att känna skillnad på sorterna. Ulf Lundell %% Att hitta unga pojkar är en sak; att hitta vuxna män en helt annan! Den teckade familjen Addams %% %% * * * From cookie2.0/own-sayings: %% "I say we take off; nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." - Corporal Hicks, in "Aliens" %% I'm sick of being trodden on! The Elder Gods say they can make me a man! All it costs is my soul! I'll do it, cuz NOW I'M MAD!!! - Necronomicomics #1, Jack Herman & Jeff Dee %% I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon... - Lyndon B. Johnson %% Experience is directly proportional to the value of equipment destroyed. Carolyn Scheppner %% NEVER EVER mess with a PCB jumper you don't understand, even if it's labelled "SEX AND FREE BEER". Dave Haynie in <35810@cbmvax.commodore.com> %% %% * * * From cookie2.0/AFortune.dat: %% "What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?" -- Bertold Brecht %% What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes, women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort." -- Susan Gordon %% What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. %% Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding hundred dollar bills." -- Herb Caen %% "Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not cockroaches!" -- Mom %% When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old. "It is always so," my mother said. "You do things together which not one of you would think of doing alone." ... Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things together which nobody in his right mind would do alone. -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope" %% When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. %% Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you come back. -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" %% "Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?" %% Write-Protect Tab, n.: A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary inconvenience. -- Robb Russon %% "Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. -- S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" %% Yesterday upon the stair I met a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today -- I think he's from the CIA. %% Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described with pictures. %% "There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence." !! - Jeremy S. Anderson %% You can't change the laws of physics, Captain; I've got to have thirty minutes. %% You cannot ride a long worm. %% You have a massage. (From the Swedish prime minister.) %% You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat. %% You shot the Wumpus! %% An Umber hulk can be a confusing sight. %% Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction. %% You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. J. D. Salinger %% Reading Herbert will disgust you, but in one case it might be enlightening. %% Reading Tolkien might help you. %% We're here to give you a computer, not a religion. attributed to Bob Pariseau, at the introduction of the Amiga %% The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose. James Finke, Pres., Commodore Int'l Ltd.(1982) %% %% * * * From cookie2.0/fortune.amiga: %% Shit Happens. %% The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!! %% The most useful program will be continually improved until it is useless. %% Xerox never comes up with anything original. %% Your enemy is never a villain in his own eyes, keep this is mind. %% %% * * * From cookie2.0/fortune.cookie: %% The life of a repo man is always intense. %% You will soon meet a tall dark handsome stranger. %% !xob XINEX siht edisni kcuts m'I ,pleH %% How does a project get to be a year late? ... One day at a time. Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month %% GOTO statement considered harmful E. W. Dijkstra, title to a letter in CACM 11, 3 (March, 1968) %% Mind your own business, Mr. Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference. %% Hackers of the world, unite! %% Dyslexics of the world, untie! %% The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi. %% Some people hope to achieve immortality through their works or their children. I would prefer to achieve it by not dying. Woody Allen %% The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. H. P. Lovecraft %% Wherever you go...There you are. Buckaroo Banzai %% You may call me by my name, Wirth, or by my value, Worth. Nicklaus Wirth %% Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be prosecuted. %% Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be SHOT AGAIN! %% Ahead warp factor 1 Captain Kirk %% Life is a process, not a principle, a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved. Gerard Straub, television producer and author (stolen from Frank Herbert??) %% Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. Andy Finkel, computer guy %% He's dead, Jim. %% The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air due to levitation. Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur if the character does not have fire resistance. README file from the NetHack game %% There is no statute of limitations on stupidity. Randomly produced by a computer program called Markov3. %% I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible. These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire to crudeness. Johnny Mnemonic, by William Gibson %% Thufir's a Harkonnen now. %% If you want to eat hippopatomus, you've got to pay the freight. attributed to an IBM guy, about why IBM software uses so much memory %% (Star Trek: Return of the Archons) -Spock, did you see the looks on their faces? -Yes, Captain, a sort of vacant contentment. %% There are some good people in it, but the orchestra as a whole is equivalent to a gang bent on destruction. John Cage, composer %% I believe the use of noise to make music will increase until we reach a music produced through the aid of electrical instruments which will make available for musical purposes any and all sounds that can be heard. composer John Cage, 1937 %% If you took everyone who's ever been to a Dead show, and lined them up, they'd stretch halfway to the moon and back... and none of them would be complaining." a local Deadhead in the Seattle Times %% It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets," thought Frito. Bored of the Rings, a Harvard Lampoon parody of Tolkien %% Mr. Spock succumbs to a powerful mating urge and nearly kills Captain Kirk. TV Guide, describing the Star Trek episode _Amok_Time_ %% I DO want your money, because god wants your money! The Reverend Jimmy, from _Repo_Man_ %% If I do not return to the pulpit this weekend, millions of people will go to hell. Jimmy Swaggart, 5/20/88 %% The F-15 Eagle: If it's up, we'll shoot it down. If it's down, we'll blow it up. A McDonnel-Douglas ad from a few years ago %% FORTRAN? The syntactically incorrect statement "DO 10 I = 1.10" will parse and generate code creating a variable, DO10I, as follows: "DO10I = 1.10" If that doesn't terrify you, it should. %% I knew then (in 1970) that a 4-kbyte minicomputer would cost as much as a house. So I reasoned that after college, I'd have to live cheaply in an apartment and put all my money into owning a computer. Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, EE Times, June 6, 1988, pg 45 %% Laugh while you can, monkey-boy. Dr. Emilio Lizardo %% Hey Ivan, check your six. Sidewinder missile jacket patch, showing a Sidewinder driving up the tail of a Russian Su-27 %% "If a computer can't directly address all the RAM you can use, it's just a toy." anonymous comp.sys.amiga posting, non-sequitir %% Card readers? We don't need no stinking card readers. Peter da Silva (at the National Academy of Sciencies, 1965, in a particularly vivid fantasy) %% The medium is the message. Marshall McLuhan %% "Okay," Bobby said, getting the hang of it, "then what's the matrix? If she's a deck, and Danbala's a program, what's cyberspace?" "The world," Lucas said. William Gibson, _Count Zero_ %% Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. Matt Groening %% The Street finds its own uses for technology. William Gibson %% #define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) #define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word %% By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect "Hungry." a Larson cartoon %% EARTH smog | bricks AIR -- mud -- FIRE soda water | tequila WATER %% n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); Yet another mystical 'C' gem. This one reverses the bits in a word. %% If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, Jolt Cola would be a Fortune-500 company. If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, you'd be able to buy a nice little colonial split-level at Babbages for $34.95. If programmers wrote programs the way builders build buildings, we'd still be using autocoder and running compile decks. Peter da Silva and Karl Lehenbauer, a different perspective %% Gort, klaatu nikto barada. The Day the Earth Stood Still %% %% * * * From cookie2.0/fortunes.unix: %% 101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR (1) Scarecrow for centipedes (2) Dead cat brush (3) Hair barrettes (4) Cleats (5) Self-piercing earrings (6) Fungus trellis (7) False eyelashes (8) Prosthetic dog claws . . . (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors) (100) Killer velcro 101. Currency %% "All flesh is grass" Isiah Smoke a friend today. %% Sign up now for the summarizing Proust competition| %% CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as they take root and become trees. %% AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid. %% PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals. %% ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice. %% TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist. %% GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest. %% CANCER (June 21 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer people. %% LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves. %% VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers. %% LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal disease. %% SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered. %% SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at you a great deal. %% UNIX will be half a billion (500000000) seconds old on Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch). -- Andy Tannenbaum %% Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath - black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved. Steve Rubenstein %% Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. Ronald Reagan, famous movie star %% Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it. Donald Knuth %% %% * * * From cookie2.0/wisecrack.txt: %% Q: Why won't Mexicans let their children marry Puerto Ricans? A: Because their children would be too lazy to steal. %% Q: Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road? A: He had no guts! %% It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. %% I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I Helped Skin Bob." %% I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!" %% To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I guess it goes back to the time we went to the circus and a clown killed my Dad. %% So when I die, the first thing I will see in Heaven is a score list? %% This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence. Vivian, "The Young Ones" %% "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last, "what's the first thing you say to yourself?" "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?" "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said Piglet. Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said. A. A. Milne, "Winnie the Pooh" %% All hope abandon, ye who enter here! Dante Alighieri %% All power corrupts, but we need electricity. %% As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. Weisert %% Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account. %% Hugh Hefner is a virgin. %% I've told you a million times not to exaggerate. The Young Ones %% If God doesn't destroy San Francisco, He should apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah. %% Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Mae West %% Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets. The Brigader, from Dr. Who %% Kindness is the beginning of cruelty. Muad'dib %% Monsters come from nowhere to hit you everywhere. %% NetHack is a fantasy, in fact you're dreaming. %% NetHack is addictive. Too late, you're already hooked. %% Never use your best weapon to engrave a curse. %% O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist. %% Predestination was doomed from the start. %% Sauron is alive in Argentina. %% Save a forest - eat a beaver. %% The Leprechaun Gold Tru$t is no division of the Magic Memory Vault. %% The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive. "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one - and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." "How?" demanded Fafhrd. Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar" %% The very first essential for success is a perpetually constant and regular employment of violence. Adolph Hitler, "Mein Kampf" %% The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views...which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering. Doctor Who, "Face of Evil" %% There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make is so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. C. A. R. Hoare %% There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it. C. S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia" %% This sentence contradicts itself - no actually it doesn't. Hofstadter %% What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play. WOP, "War Games" %% What color is a chameleon on a mirror? %% What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank? Bertold Brecht %% What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence. Wittgenstein %% You offend Shai-Hulud by sheathing your crysknife without having drawn blood. %% gy-ro-scope: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpindicular to each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two mutually perpindicular axes results from application of torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary %% Moses, returning from the mountain, spoke to his people: "The good news is we got them down to ten." "The bad news is that adultery is still one of them." %% Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here. James T. Kirk %% I'm saying nothing and I'm saying it: John Cage %% It is as if I were attempting to trace with the point of a pencil the shadow of the tracing pencil: Nathaniel West %% There are three side effects of acid. Enchanced long term memory, decreased short term memory, and I forget the third. Timothy Leary %% %% * * * from cookie2.0/#?: %% As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs. Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949 %% Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs. %% %% My [JöG] own cookies/quotes (1994-09-22 and onwards) %% My apologies to people who don't like B&B and others %% who can't stand tastelessness. %% What's the frequency, Kenneth? %% Dead men don't rape. %% Dead women don't say 'no'. %% Women: can't live with'em, can't kill'em. %% From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs. %% If you pour salt on a snail, lots of scientific stuff happens. Beavis (on science projects) %% At the time you leave school, there's no future except for getting married. And when you are about twenty-nine, you have two kids. And you want to commit suicide. Sid Vicious %% I want to balanga you with my bonijoni! I mean love... I mean agapi! Kalibanos (Raul Julia) to Miranda (Molly Ringwald) in 'The Tempest' %% I can't believe I gave away my pants to that guy! Molly Ringwald in 'Sixteen Candles' %% Of the twenty-some young men who were waiting at the station for their dates to arrive on the ten-fifty-two, no more than six or seven were out on the cold, open platform.. The rest were standing around in hatless, smoky little groups of twos and threes and fours inside the heated waiting-room, talking in voices that, almost without exception, sounded collegiately dog- matic, as though each young man, in his strident, con- versational turn, was clearing up, once and for all, some highly controversial issue, one that the outside, non- matriculating world had been bungling, provocatively or not, for centuries. J D Salinger: Franny and Zooey %% It isn't just Wally. It could be a girl for goodness' sake. I mean if he were a girl - somebody in my dorm, for example - he'd have been painting scenery in some stock company all summer. Or bicycled through Wales. Or taken an apartment in New York and worked for a magazine or an advertising company. It's everybody, I mean. J D Salinger: Franny and Zooey %% At that moment, though, he chanced to look up from the table and see someone he knew across the room - a class- mate, with a date. Lane sat up up a bit in his chair and adjusted his expression from that of all-round appre- hension and discontent to that of a man whose date has merely gone to the john, leaving him, as dates do, with nothing to do in the meantime but smoke and look bored, preferably attractively bored. J D Salinger: Franny and Zooey %% "Whew". She squinted at the morning sunlight. "Why is it so sunny?" She only partly took in Zooey's prescence. "Why is it so sunny?" she repeated. Zooey observed her rather narrowly. "I bring the sun wherever I go, buddy," he said. J D Salinger: Franny and Zooey %% When I'm in town, I invariably sit by the hour with my old friend Yama, the God of Death, and a private phone's a must for our little chats. J D Salinger: Franny and Zooey %% About five minutes before the plane landed, I became aware of people talking in the seat behind me. A woman was saying, with all of Back Bay Boston and most of Harvard Square in her voice, "... and the next morning, mind you, they took a pint of pus out of that lovely young body of hers." That's all I remember hearing, but when I got off the plane a few minutes later and the Bereaved Widow came toward me all in Bergdorf Goodman black, I had the Wrong Expression on my face. I was grinning. J D Salinger: Franny and Zooey %% Picture this: You have a business meeting tomorrow with your Japanese distributor. This meeting requires that you be in top form for some critical negotiations. You have several reports to go over, many facts to memorize, and above all you have to get some rest. Your first step? A trip to the drug store, of course. A meeting like this is much too important to take on without fine-tuning your biochemistry. You must create the optimal neurochemical conditions for learning and creativity. You ask the druggist, who then points you towards the shelf of cognitive enhancement compounds. You load up your basket with bottles of piracetam, vasopressin, hydergine, choline, DMAE, and maybe a little centrophenoxine. from MEGABRAIN REPORT: THE PSYCHOTECHNOLOGY NEWSLETTER %% Yuggs, or Yuggya (Lesser Servitor Race) Description: The Yuggya are large worm- or slug-like creatures that dwell in the depths of the Pacific Ocean. They grow up to four feet in diameter and twelve feet or more in length. They are a pale gray in color and look like elongated sacks. In that respect they very closely resemble chthonians, but yuggs lack the long tentacles of those beasts. Instead, the anterior end of a yugg terminates in a large round sucker-mouth like that of a lamprey or hagfish. A half dozen small prehensile tentacles (or barbels) 6 inches to 2 feet long surround the mouth, which contains several rows of horn-like teeth. They leave trails of stinking slime when moving on land. Kevin A. Ross: The Ponape Predators (instructions for Chtulu RPG) %% In 1972, 82% of all computers spent their online time sorting numbers, In 1993, 83% of all computers spend their online time running screen blankers. Grant@l42south.equinox.gen.nz %% 640K should be enough for anyone! -Bill Gates %% And what is this special AmigaOS feeling Shehkel can't understand ? It's the fast and snappy response on everything you do....it simply feels smooth and i haven't got this feeling from any other OS i have used. Ralph Schmidt (laire@uni-paderborn.de) %% Remember, "Euphemisms are for the differently brained." jamie@cdevil.unx.sas.com (James Cooper) %% I have a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel. Edmund Blackadder %% Someday, perhaps in the very process of our benefactions, perhaps in the fullness of geologic time,the last crane will trumpet his farewell and spiral skyward from the great marsh. High out of the clouds will fall the sound of hunting horns, the baying of the phantom pack, the tinkle of little bells, and then a silence never to be broken, unless perchance in some far pasture of the Milky Way. Aldo Leopold, A Sand County Almanac, Oxford University Press, NY, 1949. %% Note: do not try this at home if your character is not adequately equipped with the proper gear & weapons, else you may become dragon toast. Diane Westerfield (wes5@quads.uchicago.edu) %% > There are three types of Water, Holy, Unholy and original. Is there any > way to turn normal water (or unholy water) into holy water? What?! No Diet Water? %% In short - the 'Elbereth/Balance/Arioch' blessing is the God's way to tell you "I've given you enough already. Here, have these intrinsics and bugger off..." :-) Michal (pawlak@zeubac.desy.de) %% The police of a state should never be stonger or better armed than the citizenry. An armed citizenry, willing to fight, is the foundation of civil freedom. Robert A. Heinlein %% >Is it possible to "recharge" magic lamps (i.e. so they end up with >another djinn in them). I was thinking that if you ENCOUNTERED a >free-roaming djinn you could wield the lamp and hit the djinn with it, so >that it gets sucked in and imprisoned, but I have never found one to try >it on. Even if it were possible, I somehow doubt that the djinni would be particularly grateful to you for its release under those circumstances. allisom@govonca.gov.on.ca (Michael Allison) %% "You destroy the hobbit. What a mess!" I *did* know how to defend against a terrorist with a banana, but I didn't know I could kill with a cream pie!!! %% "Killed by a minotaur named UKantHavIt" %% IDE drives are supposed to be able to transfer 128k bytes in one chunk, but because IBM-style disk interfaces don't transfer more than 64k at a time, some drives have never been tested to more than 64k. Also, some drives have problems with an even 128k or 64k, so the suggestions above knock one extra block off. %% Subject: Re: Global Alert For All: Jesus is Coming Soon [...] Let's just hope he is wearing a condom... %% withered rope you hang what's empty can't remain to put it simply in time cry the hollow words to sing with false disguise smothered hope fly from sorrow for a new divine tomorrow i just don't want to know anymore life shifts up and down everybody knows it's wrong it's not in the rhyme or reason so it goes with every season crawl to top fall through bottom first hand love is really rotten slice of life find what's plenty inch towards a sanctuary fight with me inside the womb i know everyone everyone knows it's me it's my voice my voice cries out obscenity sightless eye regard my past sometimes it should i just don't want to know anymore Skinny Puppy: Smothered Hope %% Moral Support: Joe Pillow & The Dancing Fools %% ObHex: I've heard (possibly right here on a.f.c) that the AmigaDOS ROM has the hex sequence FEED C0ED BABE in it. %% We have made a commitment to Commodore and work hard on their behalf. (Many of you at this point will undoubtedly label us as stupid.) Kris Kuntz & Jeff Cupp, Digital Arts, Bloomington, IN %% Chorus: Hens love roosters, Geese love ganders, Everybody else loves Ned Flanders! Homer : Not me! Chorus: Everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders! The Simpsons %% > I do everything by hand. It's a lot more fun. And with all the hair > growing on my palms, it's almost like the real thing. Yeah, and I bet you sit on it first until it goes to sleep. Just like being married. %% Picture a tombstone w/ these words: GG Allin. Ate shit and died. %% An old friend of mine once swore that she used to think Jimi Hendrix said, "Excuse me while I kiss this guy." %% The Fall: "Lie Dream of a Casino Soul" (My vers.) A kickoff platform eunuch, we didn't like him much There's a sector man insecticides, just like wankin' Too late for dinner (Official vers) And our kid got back from Munich, He didn't like it much Has a psyche that hadn't been synthesized, Just like machines It's getting like that here now %% Imagine how bad Hitler would have been if he saw Beavis & Butthead when he was a kid. %% >Why the hell do the gods want this amulet >if all it does is curse items randomly and teleport you down levels? They, of course, are the only ones that can destroy this evil artifact... %% Quest artifact - The Golden Plunger. When #invoked, does nothing. When applied, can get rings out of sinks. When carried, causes aggravate monster in intelligent creatures ("Hey, let's go beat up the wierdo with the plunger!") When wielded, does 1d2 damage. %% oil remove shred and tear radiation vapor it's the fear so unclear man in motion going nowhere in our homes stuck in the face spread the word to the populace yellow journal yellow journal set the pace feel the rage manifestations of a sort so insidious off the point simple solution never confusion sport a gun kill a cop crazy world of weary thought so receive me had enough lock me up lock me up Skinny Puppy: Assimilate %% is he who speaks isn't weak wheelchair virtue so to speak Skinny Puppy: Assimilate %% in cages our future - the answers insane Skinny Puppy: Assimilate %% lovers and legions i've seen your whore try not to reason forsaken i'm poor fire nerves and dissension flying at a glare a ginger reaction whisper care a hairpin decision falls against the brain to formulate the anguish and alleviate the pain the silence is warning soul search nothing can't regain reach for air scenes of a cheap thrill summon an old ghost the foremost and sterile suffering one lost to face the potential for fantasy and flair forever and forgiving summon me and dare Skinny Puppy: Far Too Frail %% which side whose side you're in the middle of the fire Skinny Puppy: The Choke %% christ why did you die Skinny Puppy: The Choke %% sample test at best is nothing less run for more i can't decide love in the grass is nothing less rather you look me in the eye your face creeping in your caring thankless grin immobilize the setting sin create the mood that's dark and grim Skinny Puppy: Deadlines %% last call open bar never closing reach beyond last call a shallow pond slow descending so slow to drown Skinny Puppy: Last Call %% green is the grass of survival feeding the cows that they dine on all is a disease human disease survival Skinny Puppy: Human Disease %% broken alice holy pat on the back and back and back force open wide no way back she whispered lizard kiss rhtetoric bitch pass on answering psycho babble with no security power escapes to the toilet room in the lew of its own reflection she really knocks me out she sits she pukes her point whoever will listen paranoid doubts shes really rocked out she moves her mouth fault pat on the back and back and pat on the back and force it she sits she listens she moves her mouth she sits she pukes its her fault whatever intelligence fault push down with the purest crystal around push it in whisper name feel it a double weighed out games invoke she mixes knowing that all wont upset herself lizard kiss strung out break mutilate all they see on the neck in and over top of what appears to be real chill and tempt eye no time to see reality broken alice Skinny Puppy: Who's Laughing Now? %% notice that phrase thorough vileness of his delivery ninty seven cars and free love Skinny Puppy: Rash Reflection %% I like the way you fill out your clothes I'm gonna stick my head under your hose HOSE CLOTHES THIS IS A CLOTHES HOIST BABY Scraping Foetus Off The Wheel %% If I ain't back by 5am start phoning round the hospitals Scraping Foetus Off The Wheel %% Make mine a double TEXACO Scraping Foetus Off The Wheel %% His pen's as mighty as his sword. Bites off more than he can afford The torture-meister relishing - intimidating everything Typewriter rhythms drowning the newly acquired insecurity Gets in fights/stays up nights/rends and mends companion's tights Forcin' symptoms of his own disease A BOY FOR YOU, BLACK PLAGUE FOR ME Scraping Foetus Off The Wheel %% i close the door, shouldn't burn yet, the wires get hotter palms are glowing... this is hot meat metallic blood this is open sweat show you with my fingers draw with the eye with your own breath i tear your lungs out this side of the blackest meadows i make my winterdwelling and crush my bones i'll sail out the window, i'll walk down the hedge i will not finish until I'm fully satisfied. Sugarcubes: Coldsweat %% that girl on that bicycle showed great interest in all the motorcrashes in the neighbourhood, she look quite innocent, but believe you me i know what innocence looks like and it wasn't there, after she got that bicycle. Sugarcubes: Motorcrash %% she's drawing circles with her breasts in her jumper Sugarcubes: Mama %% deus does not exist. but if he does, he lives in the sky above me, in the fattest largest cloud up there. he is whiter than white and cleaner than clean. he wants to reach me. Sugarcubes: Deus %% oh my god and jesus as well, what are you doing here, are you hurting your chest, offending yourself, forcing yourself into pain like there is no tommorow? you should use the pain and sorrow to fill you up with power, life's both sweet and sour. Sugarcubes: Fucking in Rhythm and Sorrow %% it's that little souvenir of a terrible year which makes my eyes feel sore oh I never should have said the books that you read were all I loved you for Sundays: Here's Where the Story Ends %% It's the airwaves of the world Not the hairwaves on your head XTC: X Wires %% My tombstone will read: "I can look under your skirt". Andy Partridge %% Happy I'm floating Around on my feet now You make me go dizzy I'm weak at the knees I feel like I'm walking Round ten feet tall Well you say I'm faking And I say don't worry The way that I bubble There's something in the make I feel like I'm walking Round ten feet tall Right, the chemistry is right This boy has reached his height The feeling just goes on and on... From strength to strength I'm ten feet long... I feel like I'm walking Round ten feet tall XTC: Ten Feet Tall %% Generals and Majors always seem so unhappy 'less they got a war XTC: Generals & Majors %% I'm speaking to the justice league of america the u s of a hey you yes you in particular! when it comes to the judgement day and you're stood at the gates with your weaponry you dare clasp your hands in prayer and start quoting me 'cos we say.... our father we've managed to contain the epidemic in one place now let's hope they shoot themselves instead of others help to sterilize the race now. we've trapped the cause of the plague in the land of the free and the home of the brave if we listen quietly we can hear them shooting from grave to grave. XTC: melt the guns %% Louder than tanks on the highway Louder than bombers in flight Louder than noises of hatred Dancing us from darkest night is the rhythm of love Powered on the the beating of hearts XTC: Beating of Hearts %% EXTERMINATE ALL THE BRUTES Kurtz, in Joseph Conrad's 'Heart of Darkness' %% It's raining on the beach She inches close but out of reach The waves look painted on Seagulls screaming The sea is warship grey It whispers ``Fool!'' then slides away Black coastline slumbers on Seagulls screaming kiss her, kiss her And all the flags that flap on the pier Spell why on earth do you want The fog hides much but one thing is clear She's nearer Dead deck chairs under shrouds And life belts gape like minstrel mouths Her hair still smells of salt Seagulls screaming kiss her, kiss her Kiss her, kiss her, kiss her, kiss her He who hesitates is lost If you want her, you should tell her Take her by the hand If you hesitate If you wait, November wins her November will win her She returns to sand So get ahold of the girl I say I like your coat Her thank-you tugs my heart afloat I nearly didn't hear for Seagulls screaming kiss her, kiss her He who hesitates is lost XTC: Seagulls Screaming Kiss Her, Kiss Her %% Will you smile like any mother As you bathe your brand new twins? Will you sing about the missiles As you dry odd numbered limbs? XTC: This World Over %% Will you smile like any father With your children on a Sunday hike? When you get to a sea of rubble And they ask ``What was London like?'' XTC: This World Over %% Sun that worked on overtime Fuelled our bodies, kindled fire in our minds Burning scars soon disappear Like heat that hangs like water on the road But most of all, I remember the sun. XTC: I Remember the Sun %% "Show me how you do that trick The one that makes me scream" she said "The one that makes me laugh" she said And threw her arms around my neck Cure: Just Like Heaven %% soon i discovered that this rock thing was true jerry lee lewis was the devil jesus was an architect previous to his career as a prophet all of a sudden, i found myself in love with the world so there was only one thing that i could do was ding a ding dang my dang a long ling long Ministy: Jesus Built My Hotrod %% jesus built my car it's a love affair mainly jesus and my hot rod Ministy: Jesus Built My Hotrod %% tell me something i don't know show me something i can't use push the button connect the goddamned dots Ministy: TV Tune %% who what which why who when did you say the earth would stop turning? why did you say we would all start burning? when should i make a pledge? should i listen to the voices in my head? Ministy: TV Tune %% Everybody knows what's going wrong with the world But I don't even know what's going on in myself. The The: Slow Emotion Replay %% This is the land, where nothing changes, the land of red buses & blue blooded babies, This is the place, where pensioners are raped, and the hearts are being cut, from the welfare state The The: Heartland %% So many people, can't express what's on their minds, Nobody knows them & nobody ever will, Until their backs are broken and their dreams are stolen, and they can't get what they want, then they're gonna get angry! Well it ain't written in the papers, but its written on the walls The way this country is divided to fall, So the cranes are moving on the skyline - Trying to knock down - this town But the stains on the heartland, can never be removed, from this country, that's sick, sad, and confused. The The: Heartland %% The ammunition's being passed, and the lords been praised, But the wars on the televisions will never be explained, All the bankers gettin sweaty, beneath their white collars, As the pound in our pocket, turns into a dollar. This is the 51st state of the U. S. A. This is the 51st state of the U. S. A. This is the 51st state of the U. S. A. The The: Heartland %% A curse on the judges, the coppers and screws Who tortured the innocent, wrongly accused, For the price of promotion And justice to sell May the judged be their judges when they rot down in Hell Pogues: Birmingham Six %% May the whores of the empire lay awake in their beds And sweat as they count out their sins on their heads While over in Ireland eight more men lie dead Kicked down and shot in the back of the head Pogues: Birmingham Six %% Christine! Christine! Christine! Christine. House of Love: Christine %% burn down the disco hang the blasted DJs 'cause the music they constantly play says nothing to me about my life Smiths: Panic %% Remember, young programmers - the length of your code is not NEARLY as important as its WIDTH! Dan Barrett %% Zorro III, contrary to popular belief, is actually SLOWER than Zorro II, due to the overhead of the extra "I". Dan Barrett %% If possible, avoid paper manuals entirely and document the whole program in a "README" file on the program disk. I know that some users don't like README files because the information often isn't presented in a natural order. So, if you feel obligated to please your users, I recommend running your README file through C:Sort. Dan Barrett: 10 Amiga Programming Tips For the Real World %% >3) Who was the actual creator of C=? Was is Jack Tramiel? Nope. Commodore was founded in 1861 by Norman "Bingo" Hockheister and his aged mother, Loretta. Bingo and Loretta were familiar faces in old West Chester, standing on barrels in the marketplace, selling strange devices that Bingo claimed could "calculate square roots", "cure leprosy", or even "blast slimy aliens from Arcturus VI." Dan Barrett: The TRUE history of the Amiga %% I really like this disk, but I have decided it's time to upgrade to Fish Disk number 2. Dan Barrett: FOR SALE: Fish Disk number 1 %% Your mother sucks cocks in Hell! The Exorcist %% What, me worry? Alfred E. Neumann %% The double covern of sorcerers in turn began to bustle more nervously, each with his particular spell - touching off more stinks, jiggling black drops out of more dirty vials, waving more wands, pin-stabbing more figurines, finger- tracing eldritch symbols more swiftly in the air, mounding up each in front of him from his bag more noisesome fet- ishes, and so on. From his hours of sitting at the foot of the table, Fafhrd had learned that most of the spells were designed to inflict a noisome disease upon Gwaay; the Black Plague, the Red Plague, the Boneless Death, the Hairless Decline, the Slow Rot, the Fast Rot, the Green Rot, the Bloody Cough, the Belly Melts, the Ague, the Runs, and even the footling Nose Drip. Fritz Leiber: The Lords of Quarmall %% I seek two swords, forged millenia ago by immortals, used by my ancestors but then relinquished by them and placed upon this plane. The swords are large and heavy and black and they have cryptic runes carved into their blades. Michael Moorcock: Elric of Melniboné %% Quoth the raven: 'Demi Moore'. Kelly Bundy (Christina Applegate): Married with Children %% Quoth the raven: "Eat my shorts" Bart Simpson %% How does the turkey know to fly? He just knows. Kelly Bundy (Christina Applegate): Married with Children %% German guests: "We didn't start this!" Basil: "Yes you did!" German guests: "No we didn't!" Basil: "Yes you did! You invaded Poland!" Basil Fawlty (John Cleese) in 'Fawlty Towers' %% It's better to die than to fade away. Neil Young %% A moment later, before even half the people in Joe's have begun tittering, a flash of green light precedes the arrival of two VERY odd patrons. They rotate their bellies to get a better look at you. As their mouth stalks open you find that, despite an evolution that occurred dozens of astronomical units from Upper Sandusky, these fellows speak in perfect midwestern English. Steve Meretzky: Leather Goddesses of Phobos %% Life is what happens to you while you're busy doing other things John Lennon %% As you well know, the secret of community lies in suppression of the incompatible. Frank Herbert: God Emperor of Dune %% I will die four deaths - the death of the flesh, the death of the soul, the death of the myth and the death of reason. And all of these deaths contain the seed of resurrection. Frank Herbert: God Emperor of Dune %% Seeing futures is a vision of a continuum in which all things take shape like bubbles forming beneath a waterfall. You see them and then they vanish into the stream. If the stream ends, it is as though the bubbles never were. That stream is my Golden Path and I saw it end. Frank Herbert: God Emperor of Dune %% Prisons are needed only to provide the illusion that courts and police are effective. They're a kind of job insurance. Frank Herbert: God Emperor of Dune %% Police always observe that criminals prosper. It takes a pretty dull policeman to miss the fact that the position of authority is the most prosperous criminal position available. Frank Herbert: God Emperor of Dune %% - How many politically correct people does it take to... - That question is neither appropriate nor funny. %% The mummy a foot in the machine. The machine a foot in the mummy. Mister analphabet a seeing. (...) Other seeing mummies recoiling from mister A from the machine. Afraid for A who sees without (...) looking without seeing causing damage on the societylovemachinery. unknown schizophrenic, Stockholm 1994 %% ...sweet, no matter if it is anticide or sugar. unknown schizophrenic, Stockholm 1994 %% - How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light globe? - None. They declare darkness to be an industry standard. %% I can imagine the working conditions at Commodore: - "When do you want to get some food?" - "GO AWAY! I AM UNDER NDA SO I CANNOT TELL YOU WHEN!!!" - "How about dinner then?" - "NO! DINNER IS NOT READY YET, SO I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. WE CAN TALK ABOUT DINNER ONLY AFTER IT HAS BEEN RELEASED!!!" - "But that guy over there has something to eat!" - "HE IS AN AUTHORIZED COMMODORE DEVELOPER. HE IS ENTITLED TO BETA VERSIONS OF DINNER THAT YOU *CANNOT* HAVE!!!" - "But *when* can I have somewthing to eat???" - "DINNER WILL NOT BE READY FOR ANOTHER HOUR YET!!! OH NO - I'VE VIOLATED MY NDA AGREEMENT. NOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOO I'M MELTING! I'M MELTING! WHAT A WORLD - WHAT A WORLD..." *poof* charlet@hubcap.clemson.edu (Charles E "Rick" Taylor IV) %% Anyway, his position at that point was to say that the Amiga format must be more unstable. As he said it, with the 1.44 format, if your data went bad then it could 'move over' to the unused place on the disk, because there was another 500K on the disk, thus making it more stable. The Amiga's 1.76 format (including DiskSpareDevices' 1.97 format) was 'more unstable' because bad data then had nowhere else to go and then it 'fell off' the disk. After I stopped laughing, I marveled at some of the arguments some people level against the Amiga, even when the advantages of the Amiga are totally obvious with the application of a little common sense. nverenin@scripps.edu %% This is one of our greatest perils: to see patterns in coincidences. %% I think the only way to address a problem of any kind is to move directly into it. Perhaps its too much Aikido practice, but I think any other way you're doomed. That isn't necessarily C='s business practice, but it's in my approach to Commodore. I look at the technical problems, business problems, etc. and make a decision. Do I attempt to address the technical problems or do I forget about Commodore. At this point, I choose to address the continuance of the Amiga, and I do so because I believe that it is something worth doing, and something that will yield success. If I did not believe this, I would have left the company, plain and simple. Obviously, not everything is under my control, but I know what I have to work with over the next year or so, and I judge it adequate to achieve the necessary goals. Dave Haynie %% Hey Butthead! It's Mallory! It's that chick from 'Family Ties'! Beavis, watching a PJ Harvey video in 'Tornado' %% Look, another one of those heavy metal videos with a guy all naked and crawled up on the floor. Beavis & Butt-head %% Stop thinking! TV commercial for washing powder %% We quaffed the Soma bright And are immortal grown. We've entered into light And all the gods have known. What mortal now can harm Or foreman vex us more? Through thee, beyond alarm, immortal god we soar." The Rig-Veda %% In my confrontations with the personified Other that is present in the mushroom, part of the message was its species-specific uniqueness and its desire for a symbiotic relationship with Mankind. At other times it presented itself not so much as a personage but as an infinite network which many sorts of beings in different parts of the multiverse were using for their own purposes. Christian Ratsch (ed.): Gateway to Inner Space; Sacred Plants, Mysticism and Psychotherapy %% This woman was so fat that she had two smaller women orbiting around her. Al Bundy (Married With Children) %% Teenage metalchicks are cool. Butt-head %% How does that chick expect to sell any records without cleavage? Butt-head, on Siouxie Sioux %% Uh... one of those hard-shelled peppercorns, heh heh... Texas Chainsaw Massacre II; cannibal clan leader when finding a human fingerbone in his price chili. %% So we walk day and night by the big cooling tower they own the plant but we have the power The Simpsons (power plant workers on strike) %% and a Bluejay squeaks its beak open an inch above a creek gone fishing for a week Captain Beefheart: The Dust Blows Forward 'n the Dust Blows Back (1969) %% Madam, you have suffered an emotional shock. I will notify a rape crisis center. Robocop %% What are you doing, BUTT-HEAD? Why is it that EVERY DAY you boys have to test your limits with me? *sniff* You boys smell like a TURD! What is the MATTER with you? %% I'm not sure, Beavis, but I think it sucks. %% I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. %% Quite naturally, holders of power wish to suppress wild research. Unrestricted questing for knowledge has a long history of producing unwanted competition. The powerful want a "safe line of investigations," which will develop only those products and ideas that can be controlled and, most important, that will allow the larger part of the benefits to be captured by inside investors. Frank Herbert: Heretics of Dune %% Celibacy may very well be the greatest perversion. Polish saying %% - ...touring the whole world. - You seem a bit tired. Shouldn't you have a holiday? - No, I've just smoked a joint, actually. - Is that true? - Yeah. [In broken Swedish-Danish:] I have smoked a big, big joint. I am a bit stoned. member of great Australian rock band The Church (Marty Wilson-Piper?), interviewed in Swedish radio at Roskilde %% "Furthermore, in combination with the two hundred and five sexual positions---" "Two hundred and five?" Sirafa was clearly startled. "Surely, you don't mean---" "More, actually, if you count minor variations. I am an Imprinter, which means I have mastered the three hundred steps of orgasmic amplification!" Frank Herbert: Heretics of Dune %% A whole world have asked themselves how president Ronald Reagan has managed to keep his powerful vitality, youthfullness and energy at such a high age, even though he has one of the toughest jobs in the world. commercial for "The President's Power" pollen energy capsules %% when love is gone there is always justice and when justice is gone there is always force and when force is gone there is always mama Laurie Anderson %% The noice of the world will shut out the Voice of God - if you let it. Oprah Winfrey %% She is _so_ liberal that she even objects to the death penalty for criminals who prey on children! campaign message against some American political candidate %% America MUST be destroyed. GWAR %% the SNOT-GREEN sea the SCROTUM-TIGHTENING sea --- Scraping Foetus Off the Wheel %% the inscription on my tombstone reads: "wish you were here" Scraping Foetus Off the Wheel %% - The future sucks! Change it! - I'm pretty cool, Beavis, but I can't change the future. %% the European Union - the PL/1 of international politics %% that was cool when we killed that frog it won't croak again haiku by Butt-head %% No breakfast in Hell, eh? Jeanette Winterson %% Check it out, Beavis. There comes Krokus to kick their ass. It's the night of the living bands that suck. Butt-head, watching an Accept video in 'Tornado' %% Nice try, Beaver and Butt-plug... Earl in Beavis & Butt-head: 'Incognito' %% Mozart? I'd rather listen to the sound of an ambulance, driving up to my own house! Jörgen Grahn %% - Hey, where's the TV? - The TV is the Devil's tool. - Yeah. Where is it? Beavis & Butt-head in 'Beavis & Butt-head meet God' %% These chicks should marry GWAR. Butt-head (about Bananarama) %% The rich get richer, the poor are getting poorer. Time Zone (John Lydon and Africa Bambaata): 'World Destruction', mid-80s. %% "The Gods blast you with a wide-angle disintegration ray -more- Your shield of reflection reflects most of the ray -more- Your boots fail to reflect some of the ray -more- Your helmet fails to reflect some of the ray -more- You weren't wearing 2,000,000 sunblock -more- You are having a REALLY bad day." chowes@kits.sfu.ca (Charles Howes) %% Stupid Reasons Why England Should Retain the Monarchy ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ #4 - Someone has to defend Britain against the threat of being overrun by dangerous grouse, deer and foxes. %% In article <93139.135848U21187@uicvm.uic.edu> John Schulien writes: >First day of college. I move into the dorm and meet my new roommate. > > John: Hi, my name's John. > > Joe: Hi, my name's Joe. > > Joe: John, how is your relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ. %% - Hey! that's not funny! My grandfather died in a concentration camp! - Oh, I'm sorry. - Yeah, he fell off a guard tower and broke his neck! %% |> I spoke to Mark, guitarist for the Cranes last week |> and he told me that Jim Thirlwell always specifies that |> the money he gets paid for his remixes be sent to his mother |> in Scotland. What a guy! That's really odd considering his Mother lives in Melbourne! %% "Please put down your weapon! - You have 20 seconds to comply!" [Suit drops his gun to the floor.] "You now have 15 seconds to comply!" Robocop %% "You will live out your life in a pain amplifier" Dune (the movie) %% "The battle for the mind of North America will be fought in the video ring." Videodrome %% Momma, baby wants to fuck... Blue Velvet %% "It's better to burn out than to fade away!" Highlander %% "Leatherface, you bitch! Ho Chi Minh! 'Nam flashback! 'Nam flashback!" Texas Chainsaw Massacre II %% What we are looking at is good and evil, right and wrong. A new world order! George Bush (Ministry: N.W.O.) %% My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today, that I've just signed legislation that'll outlaw Russia forever. We'll begin bombing in five minutes. Ronald Reagan %% Do you know what she did? Your cunting daughter? The Exorcist %% Personally, I believe none of it. What I do believe is that progress will eventually have its way, over the dead bodies of any corporations who try to hold things back for their benefit. It may not be the Amiga that'll win out in the end. It may not be Unix. But, God willing, it won't be Microsoft either. Charlie_Gibbs@mindlink.bc.ca %% "IBM is not a necessary evil. IBM is not necessary." Ted Nelson %% Today, computers don't have personality. Your average PC owner sees his machine as a black box which he hates because an even faster one just came out for half the price of his old one. I speak the truth here... a PC may be fast and colorful and it may have ]<00L games but it doesn't have a _soul_. Mark 'Mark' Sachs %% In "Scott Fitzgerald: A Biography," Jeffrey Meyers creates a sordid, voyeuristic portrait of the author as a silly, self-destructive alcoholic; he prattles on at length about his subject's sexual performance and endowments, going so far as to cite witnesses who supposedly saw Fitzgerald's penis. From Michiko Kakutani's article "Biography as a Blood Sport" in the 5/20/94 New York Times %% In short, the bubble sort seems to have nothing to recommend it, except a catchy name and the fact that it leads to some interesting theoretical problems. Don Knuth %% They will get my Amiga from me when they pry it from my cold, dead hands. rudd@ug1.plk.af.mil (Douglas Rudd) %% All the self-pitying is a bottomless pit around here! Jake, "Melrose Place" %% Key chuckles. 'If Skinny Puppy, in terms of the movie _Alien_, is a chest-burster, then Doubting Thomas is more of a face-hugger,' he informs, as if that were an explanation. Keyboard Magazine, Jan '92 %% Neither Kadaffi or the Ayatollah Khomeni are the Antichrist, but they will contribute to the destabilization of the region that will aid his rise to power. Dolores Cannon's Nostradamus interpretations %% The Antichrist will study and emulate Hitler and his techniques avidly to try to surpass him and avoid his mistakes. He will have access to books and material not available or known to the general public. It will be possible for him to obtain secret Nazi documents on Hitler and he will study them very carefully. Dolores Cannon's Nostradamus interpretations %% Aliens tried to contact us in the Siberia Tunguska explosion in the 1900s. Similarly they will again visit the earth. The Soviets are doing secret weapons research and have energy fields guarding northern approach corridors. Another spaceship will arrive, paralleling this incident. When the aliens' spaceship enters the atmosphere the fields will cause it to malfunction and many of the crew are killed. Dolores Cannon's Nostradamus interpretations %% Somewhere in western North America a meteorite will be found by miners looking for ore. They think it might be radioactive but it is a useful new element on the periodical table. Dolores Cannon's Nostradamus interpretations %% Finally, Nostradamus seems to allude to a sort of future Inquisition and period of martial law during which materials conflicting with the Antichrist's philosophy and agenda of world conquest will be suppressed. So I am "seizing the moment" and consolodating a large amount of material for maximum distribution in a short amount of time while cyberspace is still healthy, innocent, robust, and unadulterated. I encourage you to help redistribute this document as widely as possible in any form in any forum or medium. nanomius@netcom.com %% You are a Beautiful Woman. Huh-huh huh. Come with me. Huh huh. %% "I have never seen an Andalusian Hemipode, and, when I do, I want to see an 'Andalusian Hemipode', not a 'Striped Button-Quail', which makes it sound like just another boring button-quail." "But Fred, surely you _have_ seen Andalusian Hemipode?" "No! It's a species I've always wanted to see, but never have." "But Fred, you've seen Button-Quail in Ethiopia, Little Button-Quail in Thailand, and Little Bustard-Quail in India, haven't you?" "Yes", said Fred. "Well, those are merely alternative names for Andalusian Hemipode", revealed Tom. British Birds %% The apparent size of the bird I am watching is only that of the species which I think it is. (the late) Peter Grant, British Birds %% British Birds One point remains unresolved by Per Alström and Urban Olsson's detailed paper on Red-necked Calidris ruficollis and Long-toed Stints C. subminuta: do the authors advocate the use of a field glass or a hand glass to distinguish such feather detail? John Cantelo, Kent %% An awful motorcrash. Dangerous terribly bloody motorcrash, destructive motorcrash. Sugarcubes: Motorcrash %% ...and the eunuchs! Black Adder %% - Just _what_ is it that you wanna do? - We're gonna get loaded - and we're gonna have a good time. Primal Scream - Loaded %% Arbeit macht Frei. %% But Agak, realizing his danger, began to suck. No longer would this be a pleasurable ritual shared with his sister. He must suck at the energy of the universe if he were to find the strength to defend himself, to gain what he needed to destroy his attacker, the slayer of his sister. Worlds died as Agak sucked. Michael Moorcock: The Sailor On The Seas Of Fate %% Worlds died as Agak sucked. Michael Moorcock: The Sailor On The Seas Of Fate %% Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare. Blair Houghton %% I am the Great Cornholio. I want T-P for my bunghole! Do you threaten me? Beavis: "The Great Cornholio" %% Lake Titihaka! Lake Titihaka! Titihaka! Beavis's Cornholio impersonations %% - Telling the future is cool. I didn't know you were a psychic. - Don't you remember all those tests the school nurse made me take? - They said you were _psycho_. - Oh yeah. Heh. Heh-heh. %% In the meantime, and if you're a boy: do not despair. Be true to your feelings. Times will change, and your oppression will end. Message on NAMBLAs (North American Man/Boy Love Association) answering machine. %% But if you're a man: Be brave. Be safe. And, above all, be _proud_ to be a boy-lover. Message on NAMBLAs (North American Man/Boy Love Association) answering machine. %% So when do I get to sing "My Way"? When do I get to feel like Sinatra felt? When do I get to do it my way? When do I get to feel like Sid Vicious felt? Sparks %% I don't avoid women, Mandrake, but I do deny them my Essence. Ripper in "Dr. Strangelove" %% We wear the same clothes, 'cause we feel the same. Blur: End of the century %% He is seeing monsters. He is loosing his mind and he feels it going. LSD 25: the documentary %% COME IN, COMMAND SHIP SEND COMMAND TROUPS IMMEDIATELY PLENTY OF HUMAN PROTEIN AN EASY PREY. "Prey" (english horror/sf movie) %% C'mon in the kitchen... damn right! Bobby Gillespie: Jailbird (Dust Brothers remix) %% Life's like a jig-saw - you get the straight bits, but there's plenty missing in the middle. XTC: All of a sudden %% So how do you think it feels when you're sleeping by yourself and the one you love the one you love is sleeping with someone else? Triffids: Wide Open Road %% I mean, after all, it's just a road. It's Immaterial: Driving away from home %% He is so dark and moody, she is a sunshine girl. Saint Etienne: Pale Movie %% Peace to _you_, my friend. And happiness. ST:TOS: The Return of the Archons %% You speak strange, friend. Are you not of the Body? ST:TOS: The Return of the Archons %% - When you see a girl in a window with her back all bent out of shape, it means she is _hot_. - Oh, I thought she was injured. - I don't know, Beavis, but she's givin' me a stiffy. Beavis & Butt-head "The Great Cornholio" %% no, I couldn't let it do that. It would be easier to get to sleep by twitching my head over and over than letting the feelound conquer my brain. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. it's 2 in the morning and I HAVE TO GET TO SLEEP!! twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. No!! I have to do SOMETHING!! ANYTHING!! I can't go on like this all night!!! What can I do? No -- my friend is asleep, and won't listen to me... anyways, even if I told him, he couldn't do anything.. What would he do anyways, take me to a hospital where they'd know I did drugs? Tell his parents so they'd know I did drugs? No.. nothing can be done...... Nothin... it's so late, nothing can be done... Oh my god, this sucks. This really sucks big time.. I'll never do any drug again.. NEVER NEVER NEVER... It's not worth it ... This SUCKS... twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. twitch.. someone on alt.drugs describes his first and only nutmeg experience %% - Is this one of those Alvin Klein commercials? "A new flagrance from Alvin Klein - butt". - Yeah. "Butts. For men". Beavis & Butt-head, watching a Chris Isaak video %% Kill 'em, kill' em, kill 'em all, kill 'em all... Star Trek: Wolf in the Fold %% - Conan, what is the best thing in life? - To crush the enemy, to drive them before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women! %% Crom! %% 'The meek shall inherit the earth--the rest of us will move on...' Sameer Parekh %% C++ was invented because Vogon poetry wasn't destructive enough. -anonymous %% One is enough. British twitcher, having seen one Wilson's Petrel after a whole day of chum dumping. %% I shall go to the mines. I no longer want to be limited to the clouds. Star Trek %% - Ace of Base suck. - This isn't Ace of Base, Beavis. - I know that, Butt-head. I just felt like saying Ace of Base suck. I mean, these guys suck too, but Ace of Base - ooh, they _suck_! %% - Lightweighter... Primal Scream member (Throb?) about River Phoenix overdosing on heroin %% Tonight, we salute the silver anniversary of the Great Springfield Tire Yard Fire. Twenty-five years, and still burning strong! The Simpsons: Flaming Moe's %% I'll protect you from the Hooded Crow. Keep the vampires from your door. Holly Johnson/Frankie Goes to Hollywood %% Here's what I think it is: you are seeing the raw data from your eyes. Usually, your brain acts like a filter that sorts and processes what your eyes see into a 100% stable, coherent image. LSD and robo has taught me to temporarily turn off that filter and see the raw image. In fact, I feel this is what "visuals" on LSD is, the raw image from your eyes as interpreted by your subconcious. Preston Landers %% The closest you've ever come to actually _making_ it with a bird, is locking yourself up in your bedroom with a copy of 'Amateur Photographer' and a jar of hand creme! "Bottom" %% jamie@cdevil.unx.sas.com (James Cooper) writes: >For instance, I'm still amazed Apple was even able to bring any "look & >feel" suits to court, considering how much of the XEROX PARC stuff they >had copied themselves... but then, not many of the people involved in >the suits (lawyers & judges) would have had any idea that XEROX PARC is >*not* a favorite picnic site... at least, not unless you're a computer >nerd... :-) %% The fact that necrophilia exists doesn't bother me. With so many billions of people in the world there are bound to be a few with some really bizarre kinks. What bothers me is the fact that necrophilia is so common that they had to create a word for it. %% Q: What's the bad part about fucking 6 year-old girls? A: You have to wash the blood off your clown suit. Q: What's the good part? A: When you turn them around, they look just like 6 year-old boys. alt.tasteless.jokes %% You will be a winner today, pick a fight with a four year old. %% Q: What does a greek girl and catfish have in common? A: One smells and has whiskers, the other lives under water! alt.tasteless.jokes %% Q: Why did the pedophile cross the road? A: Because his dick was stuck in the chicken. alt.tasteless.jokes %% There once was a girl from Hoboken Who claimed that here cherry was broken From riding a bike down a coblestone pike But really it was broken from pokin' %% "Last year we began selling joshikosei used panties in our stores, and sales are so good that we've invested in vending machines for them. But fresh saliva from joshikosei is proving to be even more popular." Shukan Isomura of the Wakayama company %% THE SPIKED PUNISHMENT COLLAR Furnished with spikes on all sides, this instrument, which weighs more than 5 kilogrammes is located around the victim's neck. Often it becomes a means of execution; the erosion of the flesh, shoulders & jaw down to the bone. The spreading gangrene, the sepsis, the final erosion of the bones themselves (esp. The exposed vertebrae) brings on lethal collapses in a short time. The collar offers the advantage of economy and money; it's function is passive & static and does not require the pay of an executioner, it works day & night, without creating problems or requiring maintenance... Robert Held (ed.): INQUISITION/INQUISICION %% "Commodore started going downhill once Lionel Richie left." %% >>} And then there's the coup de grace, the "information superhighway." When is >>} someone going to point out that the Internet existed before America Online >>} was popular? Excuse me? It can't have been around a long time. Neither Apple nor IBM has "invented" it yet... comp.sys.amiga.misc %% "Attacks on NAMBLA stink of politics, witchhunting for profit, humorlessness, vanity, anger and ignorance,.. . I'm a member of NAMBLA because I love boys too - everybody does, who has a little humanity." - Allen Ginsberg, poet %% - Is there a doctor in the audience? - [Man standing up:] I am a doctor. - Hey, What's up, Doc? Bugs Bunny: Hair-rairing hare %% >Actual PC doubleplusungood concepts series: > Freedom of speech: most PC universities have speech restrictions of some > sort. The University of Connecticut officially banned "inappropriately > directed laughter" and "exclusion of students from conversations." %% In article <768949480snz@jhall.demon.co.uk>, John Hall wrote: >Can anyone tell me where I can find a viewer for .WAV files, please? alt.best.of.internet %% Drayton Sawyer will always be my Texas chili champion. %% Legal Notice: Exporting 'personal data' to non-European countries without special license issued by the Computer Inspection Agency ('Datainspektionen') for each specific case (message) is a crime. Personal data include names, even my name. If you read this message outside Europe, I'm a criminal. d9bertil@dtek.chalmers.se (Bertil Jonell) %% Authors Note: This Guide is intended to be a reference for people who appreciate the most beautiful creatures on Earth, boys. The rating is based on many factors, the cuteness of the boy, how much of the boy we get to see (ie shirtless, nude), and the story. Juggling all these various factors is difficult but hopefully the rating becomes a measurement of the best OVERALL viewing experience. My thanks to everyone who made suggestions/comments. I tried to view as many of your recommendations as possible and will continue to do so. As always comments/suggestions about this edition are welcome. The Boy Watchers Guide To The Movies %% Comments: Young boy and girl get trapped on desert island need I say more? Only first 30 minutes are worth watching. The Boy Watchers Guide To The Movies, reviewing "The Blue Lagoon" %% Title: Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome Boy Star(s): Unknown CC Rating: ***1/2* Comments: Max stumbles upon a whole colony of shirtless boys. The Boy Watchers Guide To The Movies %% I don't have to sell my soul - he's already in me Stone Roses: I wanna be adored %% Gentlemen, you can't fight in here - this is the war room! Dr Strangelove %% Go away! Beavis is not dog food. He's _worm_ food. Huh huh - huh. %% 'the black flower' (rob peck) Get me Pendleton! %% (the original amiga dev team) We made the Amiga - they fucked it up. %% %% from the book 'Psychedelic drugs reconsidered': %% For thousands of years on all inhabited continents the belladonna alkaloids have been a tool of shamans and sorcerers, who take advantage of the sensations they evok to leave their bodies, soar through the air, or change into an animal in their imagination. %% If you want hallucinations this is your drug. However "you" are not there to experience them. chris@hacktic.nl describes Datura effects %% Witches are actually shrubs growing in front yards (they live underground, the branches are the hairs) Lots and lots of little bugs hand each other berries along branches. chris@hacktic.nl on Datura %% %% * * * from the PJ Harvey mailing list: %% 1) does it seem to anyone besides me that "sheela-na-gig", especially with the addition of the jesus statue shown in the video and considering that a light flashes on him when polly sings "he said"...that the song could be interpreted as a description of the conflict between matrifocal, goddess centered pagan religion and patriarchal christianity? (---) LMERIWETHER@macalstr.edu, analyzing a PJ Harvey song %% Point 3: I didn't hear a lot about women trying to make themselves "pretty" in "sheela-na-gig" (vis-a-vis "dress", for example). I heard more of a sexual freedom being twisted to whorish accusations by the man/men in question, who does not acknowledge the beauty of fertility or strength in a woman (two characteristics considered important in pagan/rural culture for producing children and working in the fields.) Then a rejection of those accusations and a celebration of independence on the part of the woman: "Gonna take my hips to a man who cares, heard it before, no more." skye meriwether , analyzing a PJ Harvey song %% I think rape, murder, small-town hicks, etc are important to our society, but love and sexism are more widespread... lancer@wpi.wpi.edu %% "I shall never again fly through a thunderstorm, unless the Fatherland should demand it." -Manfred von Richthofen %% about the 50 ft queenie: "She's big 'cause she feasts on men and that's a good form of protein." Polly Jean Harvey %% Amongst other things, Polly reveals that she has only recently started having periods, due to her hormones being screwed up, and that as a child her mother always said she was repressing her feminine side. %% %% in a PJ Harvey fan's .sig: %% When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws. %% "We were playing in Yeovil, first date of our last tour," she says, shouldering her knapsack. "And someone was in the dressing room stuffing all my writing up his sweater." She puts her hands on her hips, imitating the confrontation. "He said, 'I haven't got anything,' and it all fell out. I very nearly did hit him. I've never hit anybody, but I could've hit him." %% Hi, my name is Lolita, an' this here is Tanqueray. Since we're all about to die, we were wondering if you'd like to be our last boyfriends on earth? -Beavis & Butt-head: Tornado %% I've seen the future baby - it is murder Leonard Cohen %% Aaargh! Don't touch me, asswipe! I'll wound your inner child. Then I'll kick your ass. Beavis %% when I'm watching my TV and a man comes on and tells me how white my shirts could be and I can't be a man 'cause I don't smoke Stones: Satisfaction (later used for TV commerical: 'Snickers' really satisfies you) %% We don't need a thinker! We need a doer - someone who will act without concidering the consequences! Homer Simpson (episode #1F09) %% Christopher Mayhew says there is no time there is no space The Shamen: Christopher Mayhew says %% Mixing pop and politics, they ask me what the use is. I offer 'em embarressment and my usual excuses. While lookin' down the corridor, out to where the band is waiting, I'm looking for the Great Leap Forward. Billy Bragg %% %% a Lanius test run: Bird snatterand is not in the template file! 'snitterand' is an unknown bird! %% - _What_ are you doing? - Nothing! I've been clean for years now..! David Addison (Bruce Willis) in Moonlightling, the russian assassin episode %% we're going downtown on the escalator we're blonde-haired teenage terminators the camera's watching when we go shopping better step aside cause we just ain't stopping Shampoo: viva la megababes %% i got a letter from the government the other day opened it and read it it said they were suckers public enemy: black steel %% It seemed to me that the psychic effect were emanating from the `ajna chakra', the so-called `third eye' -- a locus above and between the eyes. %% night after night i think about your smile night after night but only for a while Laverne & Shirlie (Lenny & the Squigtones) %% To iterate is human, recurse is divine %% %% some more fortunes from fortunes.unix %% 43rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped %% 99 blocks of crud on the disk, 99 blocks of crud! You patch a bug, and dump it again: 100 blocks of crud on the disk! 100 blocks of crud on the disk, 100 blocks of crud! You patch a bug, and dump it again: 101 blocks of crud on the disk! ... %% A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie. %% A city is a large community where people are lonesome together -- Herbert Prochnow %% A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" %% A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. %% A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is not worth knowing. %% A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program in than some that do. -- Dennis M. Ritchie %% A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery %% A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. %% Actor: So what do you do for a living? Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants. -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" %% ADA, n.: Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness." %% After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact that it sinks like a stone. -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" %% After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare %% After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed. %% Alex Haley was adopted! %% All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. %% All the world's a VAX, And all the coders merely butchers; They have their exits and their entrails; And one int in his time plays many widths, His sizeof being N bytes. At first the infant, Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, And shining morning face, creeping like slug Unwillingly to school. -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 %% AMAZING BUT TRUE ... There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert. %% America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. -- John O'Hara %% And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. %% Arnold's Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws. %% As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. %% "As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs -- a process that traditionally requires some debugging." --- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new computer system. %% better !pout !cry better watchout lpr why santa claus town cat /etc/passwd >list ncheck list ncheck list cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist cat list | grep nice >giftlist santa claus town who | grep sleeping who | grep awake who | egrep 'bad|good' for (goodness sake) { be good } %% Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon. %% Bug: Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls. %% But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers" %% C, n.: A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't. -- Ray Simard %% Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes. %% Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny-- Did you ever try buying then without money? -- Ogden Nash %% Chemicals, n.: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. %% Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff. -- Peter de Vries %% Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDED AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH HE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" %% Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. %% Dear Lord: I just want *one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On the other hand" again. %% Disc space -- the final frontier! %% Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. %% Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? %% Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? %% Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger. %% Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much. %% Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. %% Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. -- Charles Schultz %% Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! %% Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together ... -- Carl Zwanzig %% Everyone talks about apathy, but no one _does_ anything about it. %% Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" %% Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move. %% Famous last words: 1. Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. 2. Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. 3. What happens if you touch these two wires tog-- 4. We won't need reservations. 5. It's always sunny there this time of the year. 6. Don't worry, it's not loaded. 7. They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. %% Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea ... -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the solution set. -- E. W. Dijkstra %% "Pascal is not a high-level language." -- Steven Feiner %% Pascal Users: To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. %% Pascal, n.: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it. %% If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. -- Paul Beatty %% The STAR WARS Song Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks: I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda S-O-D-A soda I saw the little runt sitting there on a log I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda Well I've been around but I ain't never seen A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda %% The steady state of disks is full. --Ken Thompson %% The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972 %% The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense. -- E. W. Dijkstra %% The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books! %% The world is coming to an end. Please log off. %% THE WOMBAT The wombat lives across the seas, Among the far Antipodes. He may exist on nuts and berries, Or then again, on missionaries; His distant habitat precludes Conclusive knowledge of his moods. But I would not engage the wombat In any form of mortal combat. %% There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. %% There once was a girl named Irene Who lived on distilled kerosene But she started absorbin' A new hydrocarbon And since then has never benzene. %% There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double- digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer, and the first communications satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the telephone business? %% There's no future in time travel %% They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! %% This fortune intentionally not included. %% ... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli. -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" %% Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once. %% Unfair animal names: -- tsetse fly -- bullhead -- booby -- duck-billed platypus -- sapsucker -- Clarence -- Gary Larson %% "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips." "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made good copy." -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" %% WARNING: Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war. %% What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. %% What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" %% When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. -- Robert Heinlein %% %% more from 'afortune.dat' %% It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration. -- Dijkstra %% "The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language." %% Spinach, carrot, and a melon - a meal fit for a nurse! %% Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain. %% Mr. Spock wears vulcanized rubbers. %% Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. Kirk: Then it's of external origin? Spock: Affirmative. Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. %% Drink it down Spock, it's the "human" thing to do. %% The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers. -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter %% "Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack." %% %% ...end of reused cookies %% This is obviously one aspect of a big picture.. what looks like a carefully worked blueprint for invasion of the planet.. Anyone who keeps his bloody eyes open doesn't need a Harley St psychiatrist to tell him that destructive elements enter into so-called normal sex relations: the desire to dominate, to kill, to take over and eat the partner.. these impulses are nomally held in check by counter impulses.. what the virus puts out of action is the regulatory centers in the nervous system.. William S Burroughs: The Ticket That Exploded %% There are imposters, `shake men', who haunt atomic installations and victimize atomic scientists in much the same way as spurious police officers extort money from sexual deviants in public lavatories -- In one case a well-organized shake mob, purportoring to represent the nova poice, confiscated cyclotrons and other atomic equipment which they subsequently sold on the Uranian black market to support their heavy metal habits -- William S Burroughs: The Ticket That Exploded %% From symbiosis to parasitism is a short step. The word is now a virus. The flu virus may once have been a healthy lung cell. It is now a parasitic organism that invades and damages the lungs. The word may once have been a healthy neural cell. It is now a parasitic organism that invades and damages the central nervous system. William S Burroughs: The Ticket That Exploded %% Modern man has lost the option of silence. Try to achieve even ten seconds of inner silence. You will encounter a resisting organism that _forces you to talk_. That organism is the word. William S Burroughs: The Ticket That Exploded